Tool Partylite

It’s the late 1990s and my wife has attended a Candle Partylite Party. Women sit around passing round candles, oohing and aching and then forking out large amounts of money for scented candles, plus accessories. But why should women have all the fun. Why can’t the men? Got me thinking . . .

Okay guys, if you could come in off the patio where you’ve been standing around downing beers as though the more you drink, the larger your egos and various body parts will grow. Dennis, Phil, there’s mouthwash in the bathroom and Tony, your wife called to say she’s taping the wrestling, so please, let’s try and control the shakes. All right, great. Welcome, everyone and excuse me while I position myself on this table with my legs apart, burp to make bits come up and sweat in a manner designed to earn respect in the male community. It’s simply that we’re here this evening to talk about manly things such as sawing, chiseling and mowing and anything less than traditional macho behavior might affect sales so …. burp, excuse me while I adjust myself. Thank you.

Okay, Barry, Terry, John, Hank, thanks for making time in your schedule that normally involves getting home late from work, grabbing the sports pages, eating dinner in front of the game and falling asleep with a six-pack on your belly. I know it’s a sacrifice for you to be away from your home life. However, I hope to make this evening a rewarding one, worth the spending of vast sums of money on items that you won’t need but that will make you feel good to own.

Okay, so what have we got on offer tonight? Well, the first thing I have to make you feel materially deprived is this beautiful circular saw. If you don’t have one of these, you might as well consider yourself a lesser species, since the owning of an electric saw is obviously a rite of passage for white males. That’s in addition to big fat cigars, the smoking of which significantly increases the risk of lung cancer and depriving small children of their fathers, though at the small price of imbuing a male with a sense of achievement as compensation for the lack of a healthy sense of self-worth.

But let’s talk saws. This one’s special. Throw out your Black and Deckers, this is the newest model, the one with two hundred speeds and the handy replaceable blades. Just the forty-two easy-to-follow steps to dislodge that sucker from its glue-like casing. Happily there’s a low OSHA expectation of the loss of just one digit per five years of use, down from the two and a half digits you’ll find on most other brands. And the two hundred speeds are there so you can select exactly the speed you need. The saw is designed for cutting wood so speed 57 is the one you’ll use most often but it’s good to know you could cut plutonium, iron sheets, hard plastics and human flesh if you needed to by just rotating that dial on the end there. This one’s on offer tonight and comes with four free rakes and a trowel. Jerry was going to demonstrate it this evening but he hit speed 157 by mistake and chopped down all the trees in his backyard. They’re still trying to dislodge it from the neighbor’s oak. So I’ll just pass round the brochure.

Okay, drills. Who hasn’t lain awake at night wishing they had a bigger, better drill? I know I have. Didn’t you just love Armageddon? My drill’s four feet long and I wear a harness to wield it but it can never be too big. You need the biggest, most powerful drill on the market and we have it here. Joe’s just bringing it round in his pick-up; he’ll be here in a moment. In the meantime, let’s talk lawn mowers. I know you’ve all been remodeling your homes for the past five years, adding anything from five to ten rooms in the hope of adding value to your property while sleeping in wood shavings, giving your kids asthma and leaving your wife with a dirty bowl in which to do the laundry for a family of five. But …. some of you still have a patch of grass at the back, that piece of nature you’re still clinging to in the vain attempt to convince yourselves that you haven’t annihilated all living things from your backyards. Yes, Jack, that’s the piece of browny green vegetation that’s not covered with climbing frames and sharp jagged pieces of metal left over from the other pieces of electrical gardening equipment that broke within days of purchase and have left your children limping and learning to write left-handed. Forget the kids for the moment, though, and think of your lawn. You need the ‘Roller-Roaster’. If you look through the window there into my yard, you’ll see mine. I know you can’t see the lawn any more. But you gotta have one. It’s obviously of a size to harvest corn in the Midwest but you need the coverage. It’s all about coverage. I know Bill there went for the standard model last time when he should have bought the ‘Turbo’ and regretted it. Deeply. You actually had to drive it forwards three feet, didn’t you, Bill? So embarrassing in front of the neighbors.

Finally, electric sanding machines. We all need them. We’re nobodies without one. Your deck, your dining room table, your hardwood floors, they’ll need sanding down at some point in the future. And you can’t do it without this beauty. It won awards for causing just two fatalities in testing; it’s just beautiful. Pick it up, Rock. Actually let me say that again using some well-worn macho phraseology that implies familiarity with heavy tools and gives the impression that I’ve been using this equipment all my life instead of piling it up in the garage and hiring contractors to do the work. Here goes: Grab a hold of that puppy, Rock, and fire it up! Actually don’t do that. If you hold a sanding machine in the air and turn it on, you’re going to vibrate at 3000 shudders a minute which could do something nasty to that chili you just ate. So, yeah, just pass it round, but don’t touch that big red switch. Yes, that’s the one. Whoa, steady, Bill, I said don’t do that, man. Are you okay? Could someone pick up his bottom lip? Thanks. Okay, just keep passing it round. Good. I know, isn’t it a beauty? I’m sorry, Tom, what was that? Can you display it? Well, I guess so. Yes, I suppose it would add to the country décor in your house … in a quirky kind of way. Thanks for that suggestion, Tom.

So guys, thanks for listening. Bob here will give you the books outlining the service agreements that basically tell you that you should receive the items within a couple of months, maybe years, barring any unforeseen circumstances such as a change in a company’s stock market value that might require the loss of some orders or an extended delay in shipping, say a decade or so.

I’m just off to find Joe. I think he may be having trouble with that drill………”


Conversion Bowl

Not intended to offend, I promise. This piece is simply some light entertainment for your weekend.


“Well, good afternoon and welcome everyone. Thank you for joining us for this year’s Conversion Bowl. We’ve got a capacity crowd for this afternoon’s match-up and it looks as though the weather’s going to hold. You may remember last year’s bowl when a storm came over during the match and lightning produced the highest score in Conversion Bowl history. We’ve got fair skies today so it’s unlikely that there will be many ‘fear of God’ conversions today.

So, in the white jerseys with WWJD splattered across the front, we have the 50 hand-of-God-picked stars of First Baptist of Fort Lauderdale, Florida and quite a team they are. Led by the charismatic Rev. Jedediah Jones, who holds the record for tract delivery, this is a team that’s been tough to beat all season. Their motto is ‘connect, convince, convert’ and it’s been working this season. First Baptist has doubled in size this year, parking lot coverage is up by 40% and the Rev Jones is letting everyone know it. You can see him there on the sidelines, warming up. Just look at that Bible-thumping…tremendous action there.”

“Thanks, Jim, yes, First Baptist has been in heavenly form but they may have met their match in St Mark’s Presbyterian, Pasadena, California. Just a wonderfully gifted team of proselytizers. These guys have been going from strength to strength and finished their last match with a season high of 45. 45! That’s unheard of and although some called for a recount, reports pewside the following Sunday showed converts singing with ‘adequate conviction’, that’s what the rules require. Very impressive.”

“Well, we’re just awaiting the referees’ orders to start the match. For those of you joining us for the first time, both teams are given an hour to convert as many heathen as they can. All kinds, atheists, agnostics, New Agers, Moslems and Jews are out there. Some say they’ll stand firm but we’ve heard that before and seen some notable atheists crack within seconds so you just can’t tell. Strength of unbelief is no guide in this game.”

“That’s right, Jim. Now, teams are allowed the use of Bibles, one commentary and a limit of two Christian books each. Points are awarded for a verifiable conversion; judges are posted around the field. Extra points go for a full baptism and speaking in tongues. Early opinion this season favored Little Rock Pentecostal, Arkansas with that last one but in the semis they span out of control. Half the members began healing each other and had to be led off the field in tears. Just extraordinary scenes. I’ve got a quote here from a spokesman in the Charismatic Quarterly which says: ‘We may have lost the match but’-his words-‘it was a blessing for us’ so we’ll just have to keep an eye out today for anything unusual. Baptists in particular can be very unpredictable. All right now, the referee has his flag up…the heathen are milling around …both team captains are waving their Bibles to signal they’re ready …and we’re off!”

“You’ve got to watch the tactics here, Jim. The Baptists have gone for the three-on-one approach over there near the corner, I can see a prospect backing away .. it’s a tactic that can sometimes work but experience shows it normally produces defensiveness so we’ll have to see if they change their tactics later in the match.”

“Over there near the baptistry, I can see a man go down on his knees. Yes, there’s the bowed heads and the Baptists take an early lead. And they’re finishing up with a Baptism, an extra point for that. You can see the Rev Jones grinning from ear to ear as he wades into the baptistry. He’ll be happy with this start.”

“Yes he will, Jim, an early lead helps a team relax and focus but hold on, The Presbyterians seem to be wrapping up a husband and wife double over there near the center circle. Yes, there they go, they’re saying a prayer and the judges confirm it’s a double for St Mark’s. Nice use of the husband/wife pincer movement.”


“Well, the forty five minute mark has been passed and the Baptists are up by five. St Mark’s are really up against it here. You can see them all huddled in the middle, praying. That’s been known to turn a match around in the past but we’ll just have to see what happens here. There’s a lot of pressure on them right now. The heathen are wearing bored looks, glancing at their watches, they look like a tough crowd to convince.”

“Yes, St Mark’s will be asking for a miracle here, Jim, so it’s just as well they’re Christians and have some knowledge of the field but even so, fifteen minutes is pushing it. In fact, hold on…yes, it looks like the Baptists are letting up. You can see them gathering down in the corner of the field. They’ve dragged over their organ and yes, the hymn books are out. They’ve started singing hymns! This is just extraordinary…I can’t believe this.  There are still fifteen minutes to go and the Baptists think it’s all over! They’ve left the field to St Mark’s and they’re wide open for the evangelistic dunk!”

“You’re absolutely right there, Bill, and it looks as though St Mark’s are going to take advantage. Their pastor, Rev. Wright, is getting up on a chair, they’ve got a crowd around him of about sixty. This is going to get interesting here. He’s starting to preach. If he can make five here, he’ll tie the match. One more and St Mark’s will take it. Let’s see what happens here; just keep an eye on those faces. If you see them listening intently, you know it’s starting to be effective. He’ll talk for ten minutes, then go for the altar call.”

“Well, Jim, I thought he’d go for the fire and brimstone technique but no, he’s using pure apologetics. The crowd looks intrigued but he’ll need more than that. Yes, as I thought, he’s rounding it off with ‘the love of God’ and it looks to me as though there are some who are wavering and here it comes, the altar call. It’s all down to these final seconds. The Baptists have stopped singing hymns and it looks … yes, I’m sure I’m right, it looks as though they’re praying. In fact, the judges too look like they’re praying. We’ve never seen anything like this before. No counter disruptive moves from the Baptists, like stupid questions to the preacher, no… heads are still bowed, they are definitely praying. And now a hush has descended on the crowd and it looks like most of the spectators are also praying. Unbelievable. I guess, Jim, we should probably bow our heads at this point too.” (Pause)

“Well, Bill, they’re coming forward. I can see four, five…another couple. Five more from the back, holding hands, are walking forward. This is incredible. The Baptists have joined the Presbyterians to handle the prayers of commitment. You can see them beginning to mingle. There are still unbelievers out there but they look stunned by what’s happening. Yes, there’s one being led off by a judge. And not surprisingly, he wants a Bible. It’s that kind of afternoon out there.

In all my twenty-five years of covering Conversion matches, I’ve never witnessed anything like this. It looks like Rev. Jones has conceded defeat. Yes, he’s walked over and he’s now hugging Rev Wright. What amazing scenes…this is just unprecedented. And now the crowd has taken up the hymn ‘What a Mighty God We Have’. The whistle has gone but no one seems to care any more. Final score: Baptists 24, Presbyterians 33. Thank you for joining us, everyone ..until next year’s Conversion Bowl, good night!!”