TOP TEN SIGNS
I was living in the U.S. during the terrorist attacks of 9/11. In California, a long way from New York. It was a bad time, as I’m sure you recall. However, even in the midst of very serious world events, bouts of good humour were able to flourish. First, a friend of mine called Peter – you know who you are! – sent me the list below. These are the Top Ten Signs that your neighbour is a terrorist. Please take these in good humour. That’s how they were sent and that’s how they were received.
How to Tell if Your Neighbor is a Terrorist:
1. Calls the pizza delivery boy a tool of the Great Satan.
2. Answers his door wearing a Hazardous Materials outfit.
3. Keeps telling you you’d look better with a beard.
4. Hands mail to the postman using salad tongs.
5. Says the Yankees are a pretty good team, for a bunch of infidels.
6. Thinks your daughter, the third-grader, is over-educated.
7. Sends your wife a free subscription to Modern Burka.
8. Doesn’t return your lawnmower; cryptically says, you won’t be needing it.
9. He’s 53, drives a Lexus, calls himself a student.
10. Has season tickets for the Clippers because “he doesn’t like crowds.”
On receiving these, I immediately bashed out my own Top Ten list. Here’s mine.
How to tell if your anxiety level post-September 11 may be getting too high:
- You high five your family each day after you open the mail and you don’t contract anthrax.
- You’ve dressed your kids up like the Bubble Boy, just in case…
- Your mailman leaves the mail at the end of the path because he says, “the security checks are too time-consuming.”
- They’ve begun using a scoop at the pharmacy to fill your Valium prescription.
- You’ve had your fetus vaccinated against the ten most common bio-terrorist viruses. He’s only one inch long.
- You slugged your commanding officer and face a court martial after he said, “Good morning, captain. Your reply, “I thought you said, ‘kaftan’” doesn’t save your job.
- You keep a copy of your will on your person at all times …even a plastic covered one for the shower.
- The Pentagon has heard about the emergency preparedness plan you developed for your house and have contracted you to write theirs.
- You’ve invested in a full body bio-chemical HazMat all-protective, nothing-can-get-in suit with oxygen pack ….for the hamster.
And the final one, which is the all-time No 1 sign that your anxiety level has gone out of control:
- You’re never voting for Al Gore again ….. because he grew a beard.
. . . I’m sure you remember Al Gore’s growth of a beard during this period. No? That surprises me. Okay.
At this point, I was on a roll, so I kept going with some more. I know many of you won’t know Ted Koppel, who has a hairstyle which makes him look 12 years old . . . or the fact that ABC, NBC and CBS (the networks) had news anchors called Dan Rather, Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw. But now you do.
Top Ten Signs the media’s coverage of the post-September world is beginning to wear you down:
- You’ve started telling your family they’ll get their dinner “after these messages.”
- You’ve actually started to like Ted Koppel’s hairstyle!
- You’ve joined a local group petitioning for the Special Ops soldiers to have CNN cameras attached to their helmets.
- You’ve made a shrine, with candles, incense, and rosary … for Peter Jennings.
- You tell your neighbors it’s unpatriotic not to have cable AND satellite TV.
- You give a year’s subscription to the New York Times, The Washington Post, Time and Newsweek to your son for his birthday. He’s five years old.
- You’ve invested in a leather pouch that you’ve sewn onto the couch armrest …for the TV remote.
- You’ve named your newborn son “Peter Dan Tom Smith.”
- You’ve had a TV installed in the downstairs bathroom.. and above the crib for your six month old … and above the stove .. and the sink .. and on top of the lawn mower.
And the number one sign the media’s wearing you down ….
You’re a life long Democrat but next election … you’re voting for George W. Bush!!!!!